Bird's Eye: The Pigeon Art Fanciers

From the files of Instant Noodles, RTI's weekly wrap of the stranger news from the Asia-Pacific region...

Pigeons like these pictures: Toulouse-Lautrec and Jackson Pollock.

Japan: Researchers at Tokyo's Keio University say this week that pigeons have "advanced perceptive abilities" and can distinguish between good and bad paintings in the same way that humans do, according to AFP.

This research comes to us courtesy of the same team that previously established that pigeons can tell a Monet from a Picasso (that is to say, they can tell a blurry face from a blocky face.)

For this experiment the researchers took paintings by elementary school children which were then sorted into "good" and "bad" by a control group of teachers and other adults (presumably not including the children's parents). Over the course of a month, the pigeons were rewarded for pecking at the good pictures, to the point where they could judge paintings they had not seen before on their artistic merit.

This represents a broadening of artistic horizons for the humble pigeon. In the past their artistic tastes have been expressed largely via the targeting of statues and sculptures. Now they are ready to run their beady eye over some of the world's great masterpieces. Let us now join two pigeons as they enjoy a stroll around their favourite art museum -- the Coo-ggenheim!

(harp music dissolve)

Pigeon 1: Ah, I do so adore the work of Toulouse-Lautrec.

Pigeon 2: As do I, the Bohemian nightlife of fin-de-siecle Paris...

Pigeon 1: You really feel like you could be walking around those same filthy Montmartre streets.

Pigeon 2: Strutting around people's ankles...

Pigeon 1: Yes, and pecking up the food they drop.

Pigeon 2: So vivid.

Pigeon 1: Marvelous.

Pigeon 2: This, now! -- this is genius!

Pigeon 1: Yes indeed. Jackson Pollock.

Pigeon 2: A master.

Pigeon 1: Absolutely. So rare to find a human who appreciates the beauty of the perfect splat.

Pigeon 2: Very rare. I especially like the thickness of the plops.

Pigeon 1: Oh, I adore them all -- the thick ones, the stringy ones, the dribbly ones...

Pigeon 2: Seemingly random yet brilliantly orchestrated.

Pigeon 1: And to think he couldn't even fly!

Pigeon 2: Yes, that's the amazing thing.

Pigeon 1: For a land-based mammal to have such an eye for the trajectory, the speed of approach...

Pigeon 2: An instinctive feel for vector.

Pigeon 1: For vector, as you say. Truly sublime.

Pigeon 2: And the colours as well!

Pigeon 1: Oh yes -- I mean, to produce such diversity of colour... I can only imagine what he had to eat!

Pigeon 2: Yes, I'm not surprised he died so young...

This post is an extract from last week's edition of Instant Noodles. Listen to this week's show online now at http://english.rti.org.tw (Thursday).

India's police give new meaning to "packing heat"

(from this week's Instant Noodles, hear the full show online now at english.rti.org.tw)

India's security forces are planning a new way to bring the heat on the street -- by using the world's hottest chilli to control riots and during counter-insurgency operations, according to Reuters.

India's defence scientists say they will replace exposives in small hand grenades with bhut jolokia chillis to immobilise a person without killing him.

The bhut jolokia chilli is the world's hottest, measuring 1,000,000 units on the Scoville scale. That's at least one thousand times hotter than a common kitchen chilli. If you have ever sat next to somebody who has recently eaten a Vindaloo, you will be well aware: when one of those goes off, you're in a world of pain.

We at Instant Noodles hope that India's security forces will deploy this new weaponized chilli with restraint and not disproportionately...

(Sounds of an angry crowd chanting. The Chief of Police addresses the crowd over a loudhailer.)

Police Chief: Please disperse! If you do not return to your homes we will be forced to use our range of curry-based crowd control grenades!

(The chanting continues.)

Police Chief: Very well! You are now being sprayed with Korma sauce! This is quite mild but will leave you with a strong but not unpleasant smell of coconut! Consider this a warning!

(The chanting continues.)

Police Chief: If you do not desist we will proceed to deploy the Jalfrezi, with its rich dry sauce and added green peppers!

(The chanting continues.)

Police Chief: No, this isn't working. Sergeant, go straight to Vindaloo strength. (To crowd) This is Vindaloo! It will sting your eyes and blister your skin! It will also ensure that next time you use the lavatory you will have to light a match and announce to your roommates, "You might want to give that a few minutes!" Which will be very embarrassing for you!

(The chanting changes to cries of "Ow!" "It burns!" "Hot hot hot!" "I don't like it!" etc.)

Police Chief: Okay, that's enough! Sergeant, douse them with mango chutney and send them home.

(To listen to this week's Instant Noodles online, go to http://english.rti.org.tw and click on one of the media player icons next to Thursday in the top left of the page. When your media player opens, move the playback bar to approx. 25 minutes in.)

The Matchmaker's Apprentice

(From this week's Instant Noodles -- RTI's weekly take on the lighter news from the Asia Pacific region. Stream it online at english.rti.org.tw)

South Korea: Nearly 400 men between the ages of 26 and 49 have applied to marry a millionairess who advertised for a soulmate. The 49-year-old millionairess doesn't have time to vet them all herself, being a high-powered businesswoman, so she's taken on a matchmaking service to help her whittle down the candidates to the most "serious-minded."

Doctors, lawyers, accountants, soldiers, teachers, bank workers and civil servants are just some of those who have thrown their varied hats in the ring and eight have now been selected for the final round.

We at Instant Noodles were privileged to have a behind the scenes look at the last-- Okay, obviously we weren't but you know the shtick. Join us now for what we imagine to be a cross between The Bachelor and The Apprentice...


(Bouncy intro music. Voiceover: They nauseated you in The Bachelor! Their aggressive smug posturing infuriated you in The Apprentice! Now they face their toughest challenge yet as they prepare to face -- their Matchmaker!)

Scene: a boardroom. The three final contestants sit facing The Matchmaker)

Matchmaker: Thank you for coming, gentlemen. As you know, our mission is to find a suitable husband for our CEO. Are there any questions before we start? Yes.

Candidate 2: Will we get to meet the lady at any point?

Matchmaker: I’m sorry, she’s a very busy woman. Okay, let’s start with you -- number one.

Candidate 1: Yes.

Matchmaker: It says here you’re 23.

Candidate 1: That’s right.

Matchmaker: You know that’s very young for the position

Candidate 1: Don’t be fooled. I’ve achieved more already than most people three times my age. I give 120 percent 150 percent of the time and I don’t know the meaning of the word failure.

Matchmaker: I see. Fan of The Apprentice, I'm guessing?

Candidate 1: Never miss it.

Matchmaker: Right.

Candidate 1: I’ve seen 170 percent of all the episodes.

Matchmaker: Yes… The problem is, you don’t really have any experience at this level. You’ve never been married.

Candidate 1: No, but I did once have a girlfriend who was very high maintenance.

Matchmaker: I’m sorry. I don’t think you’re suitable.

Candidate 1: I think you’re wrong.

Matchmaker: Let me put it like this. You have a 200 percent chance of not getting this job. Go away.

Candidate 1: You’ll regret this! I’ll marry my own 49-year-old and we’ll see who’s laughing then!

Matchmaker: Such horrid people you get on this show. Next, number two -- age 43, that’s a bit more like it. Experience… it says you have been married before.

Candidate 2: Yes, I’m divorced.

Matchmaker: Ah. So why did your first marriage fail?

Candidate 2: Well there wasn’t one single reason…

Matchmaker: But you must have done a performance review…

Candidate 2: Well I would like to think I’ve learned from my mistakes.

Matchmaker: Maybe. But we'd still have to carry out due diligence with your background. Frankly I don’t feel you deserve a second chance with an investment this size. Sorry. Next. Okay, number three, age 49, that’s good. You’ve been married before too I see. Divorced?

Candidate 3: Er no, I’m a widower.

Matchmaker: Hmm. Congratulations, you’re hired!

Candidate 3: Oh. Right. So, what happens now?

Matchmaker: I’ll just buzz you through. (buzz, door opening) Ma’am, we’ve found a husband for you, this is Mr…

Candidate 3: Kim.

Matchmaker: Mr Kim.

Bride: Nice to meet you, dear. Shall we? (Wedding march starts up)

Candidate 3: Oh. Er…

Bride: If we could be quick, I have a board meeting in ten minutes.

(Reading the script is all very well but how about hearing to the real thing as performed by Charlie and Andrew Ryan with silly voices, sound effects and everything! Listen to Instant Noodles by going to english.rti.org.tw then locating Thursday on the left hand side of the page. Click on one of the two media player icons next to Thursday and when your media player appears, move the playback bar to around 25 minutes in. It does work, honest.)

Gambling? That's an Academic Question

(from this week's Instant Noodles, RTI's weekly take on the stranger news from the Asia Pacific region. Listen online now at english.rti.org.tw)

Hanoi: Lecturers and officials from Vietnam's Finance Academy have been arrested for allegedly gambling on cards.

People from Vietnam are very fond of gambling (AFP said it, not me) on anything from cards to cock-fighting, even though the practice is outlawed.

Eight staff from the academy -- which trains people to work in the government and private financial sector -- were caught by police playing cards in the academy parking lot with a pot of 30 million dong (US$1,667) in the middle.

The argument that the card game was in fact a demonstration of statistics and applied economics apparently cut no ice.

Here's how Instant Noodles pictured the scene at the faculty meeting of the Vietnam Finance Academy's Institute of Advanced Poker...

Professor Ngo: Okay, gentlemen! Time to ante up with your financial forecasts. Professsor Nguyen, you’re first.

Professor Nguyen: Hmm. GM files for bankruptcy… but the stronger dollar and falling stock markets push oil back under seventy dollars a barrel. Raise you fifty. Professor Tran?

Professor Tran: I’ll see your analysis… and raise you on expectations of increased third quarter export volume ahead of abolishing tariffs with China. Doctor Pham, what about you?

Doctor Pham: I’m in. Tentative signs of recovery suggest a bottoming out of the recession with consumer confidence gradually increasing. What do you say, Professor Ngo?

Ngo: Well I think in line with Marxist-Leninist principles we should take all the chips and redistribute them equally.

(Pause, then everyone bursts out laughing.)

Nguyen: Ah, that’s a good one, Ngo!

Pham: You nearly had me there!

Ngo: Ha ha ha! No, seriously, I’ll call.

Tran: Okay gentlemen, what've you got?

Nguyen: (sighs, showing cards) Just a flush more busted than the subprime mortgage market. Queen high. Tran?

Tran: (showing cards) I’ve got a pair of commodities. Pham?

Pham: (showing cards) Full house, foreign exchange reserves over futures.

Ngo: Not bad, Pham. (showing cards) Except…. for my full set of Emirates… Read ‘em and weep!

Tran: Wow! That’s an Oil Flush!

Nguyen: Ngo, you sly bugger! With a poker face like that you’ll be minister within five years!

(Enter policeman)

Police officer: What’s going on here?

Nguyen: Hello officer. This? It’s just our regular Thursday night study group.

Police officer: Then why do you have a pack of cards?

Nguyen: Oh, they’re a statistical tool to demonstrate probability, that’s all.

Police officer: And why is there a big pile of money in the middle here?

Tran: It’s a stimulus package.

Police officer: I know what you’re up to. You’re gambling! Finance academy professors – you should know better!

Nguyen: Ah officer, didn’t you know? All finance is gambling!

Police officer: Well I’m confiscating these winnings as toxic assets! And you can explain your economic theories to the judge!

Tran: Uh oh – looks like we need a bail-out…

(Listening to Instant Noodles is actually quite easy. You're just not trying hard enough. First go to RTI's English homepage: english.rti.org.tw and see the days of the week helpfully displayed in the top left of the page. Click on one of the two media player icons next to Thursday. When your media player opens, move the playback bar to around 25 minutes in. Er, and that's it. Enjoy!)

Stand Up for the Bureaucrats!

(From this week's Instant Noodles -- our weekly wrap of the stranger news from the Asia Pacific region. Listen online now at english.rti.org.tw)

Japan's bureaucrats have been under fire of late, with the opposition accusing them of misspending taxpayers' money. The bureaucrats blasted their critics however with a withering volley of brilliantly timed and pithy put-downs.

Or at least, they should have done. They've been spending the taxpayer's yen on getting lessons in stand-up comedy.

More than one hundred employees at the ministry of transport were recently given lessons from professional comedians, apparently in an attempt to help them communicate with their clients, other staff members and just generally lighten up a bit.

The public may not find this use of their money to be so funny. But on the other hand, they won't be able to complain that the government has no sense of humour.

Officials within the ministry of transport however are reporting an elevated level of performance anxiety during ministry briefings as Instant Noodles discovered... (harp music)

Minister: Next the junior undersecretary for transport, Mr Takaga, will make his report.

(The junior undersecretary enters to a trombone riff.)

Undersecretary: Hi, how you doing? Great to be here. So I just flew in from Osaka – and boy, are my arms tired! 

(silence)

Undersecretary: Ha.. bit of an oldie to start, there… So anyone here in the Cabinet? Yes? Kinda cramped in there, isn’t it? 

(silence)

Undersecretary: I could have been in the cabinet except for my claustrophobia. (Paper rustling.) Okay, that’s the same gag, sorry. Mind you, I saw the employment minister’s routine last night – talk about some laboured jokes!

(Silence. A slight cough.) 

Undersecretary: But seriously, anyone here from Kyoto ? The transport is in great shape there in Kyoto … you've got car shaped, bus shaped… train shaped….ah…

Minister: Mr Undersecretary, are you going anywhere with this?

Undersecretary: Well this is the transport ministry isn’t it? We can go anywhere you like!

(This joke gets a slightly more positive response, which encourages the undersecretary).

Undersecretary: Haha, yes. As long as you’ve got the budget, that is. How about those budget cuts recently, you hear about that? Turns out they’re going to scrap the Bullet Train. Yeah. Too expensive. Next month we’ll all be riding the BB Express instead. Ha.

(Silence. Someone says, "I don’t get it.")

Undersecretary: Okay. Time for the good stuff. So we commissioned a white paper last month. Came back, there was nothing on it!

(Silence)

Undersecretary: 'Cos it was a white... paper… 

(cough)

Undersecretary: No? Whew, tough committee.

Heckler: You suck! (laughs)

Undersecretary: Hey, give me a break – it’s hard being up here, you know!

Heckler: Yeah? Try sitting down here!

Undersecretary: Minister, what do you say?

Minister: Mr Undersecretary...  you're fired!  

Heckler: Hahaha! You're fired! Like that show, The Apprentice!

Minister: Thank you, counselor, that was the joke.

(Listening to Instant Noodles online couldn't be simpler. Okay, actually, it could be a lot simpler. Don't get me started. But if you are determined you may succeed if the stars are correctly aligned. Go to our website english.rti.org.tw and see the days of the week in the top left of the page. Click on one of the media player icons next to Thursday. When media player opens, move the playback bar to around twenty five minutes in.)

Torture is an ugly word... I prefer the term "Celine Dion."

(from this week's Instant Noodles, RTI's weekly wrap of the odder news from the Asia-Pacific region -- listen online now at english.rti.org.tw)

Las Vegas: High roller sabotaged by bad feng shui.  A Taiwanese man who lost US$2 million in Las Vegas casino is planning to sue the casino for sabotaging his winning streak by undermining his room's feng shui. 

The man, Mr Yuan, claims the Venetian hotel/casino dug a one meter square hole in the wall of the presidential suite where he was staying and covered it with a black cloth. They also put out two white towels in front of his suite and turned on two large fans facing his room, flooding it with inauspicious qi.

Yuan claims his luck changed after he discovered these alterations, and he went from being US$400,000 up to being US$2 million in the hole. Yuan said, "We Chinese drape black and white cloths only when there is a death in the family. It is a taboo for regular people, let alone for gamblers," he said. He intends to sue for "feng shui sabotage" if the hotel fails to come up with "a reasonable solution."

Feng shui (風水, wind and water) is the ancient Chinese tradition of geomancy that seeks to channel energy through the arrangement of furniture and ornaments. 

From what I've seen of Las Vegas casinos in the movies however, we at Instant Noodles suspect they may not let Mr Yuan off the hook so lightly...

(doorbell)

Yuan: Yes?

Casino manager: Good evening, Mr Yuan. I see you are preparing to check out.

Yuan: You don't say! It's been a terrible weekend.

Casino manager:  Better luck next time. Before you go however, there is the unfortunate matter of your account.

Yuan: Ha! Forget it, I’m not paying.

Casino manager: That is unfortunate. May I ask why?

Yuan: Because your hotel has the worst feng shui!

Casino manager:  I am sorry to hear it. I am assured our kitchen uses only the finest ingredients.

Yuan: Not the catering! The room! I’m sorry, who are you again?

Casino manager:  I represent my associates in the ah… construction industry.

Yuan: Well kindly inform your associates in the construction industry on the right way to build a hotel. Look at this – black cloth on the wall, white towels on the rail... What, did somebody die?

Casino manager:  We are hoping that will not be necessary.

Yuan: As soon as I noticed the bad feng shui I started to lose. Whose fault is that?

Casino manager:  Sometimes it is wise to stop before your luck runs out.

Yuan: Wrong! It's your fault! That's why I'm not paying the debt.

Casino manager:  I'm sorry you feel this way. That is... unfortunate.

Yuan: I agree. Very unfortunate!

Casino manager:  Perhaps you would reconsider.

Yuan: No!

Casino manager:  Then I'm afraid you leave me no choice, Mr Yuan.

Yuan: Are you threatening me? W-What's that you’re holding?

Casino manager:  You force me to give you this  complimentary  ticket.

Yuan: Ticket for what?

Casino manager:  Celine Dion, Mr Yuan.

Yuan: Celine Dion? A-Are you threatening to torture me?

Casino manager: Torture is such an ugly word, Mr Yuan. I prefer the term… Celine Dion.

Yuan: No! You can't intimidate me like this!

Casino manager:  Front row seats, Mr Yuan.

Yuan: Do you know who I am? You can't subject me to this kind of...

Casino manager:  Her heart will go on and on, Mr Yuan.

Yuan: No! No! Not that! Anything!

Casino manager:  And if you still need time to think, we can take you backstage at the tiger show…

Yuan: (frightened squeak)

Casino manager:  Let me be blunt, Mr Yuan. Settle your account within an hour or me and my associates will be round to rearrange the feng shui of your face. Are we clear?

Yuan: (squeak) Okay.

(To listen to this week's Instant Noodles online, go to http://english.rti.org.tw and click on media player icon next to Thursday in the top left of the page. When media player starts move playback bar to approx. 25 minutes in.)

Pirates in a Pickle

(From this week's Instant Noodles -- RTI's weekly wrap of amusing news from the Asia-Pacific region. Listen online now at english.rti.org.tw)

South Korea's navy is deploying a new strategic weapon in the ongoing fight against Somalian pirates -- a ton of kimchi. 

The Korean national dish of spicy pickled vegetables should boost the morale of the 300 crew aboard the destroyer currently patrolling the waters off the Gulf of Aden. Until now they'd had to make do with locally-sourced kimchi, which just wasn't the same as the real thing from home. I sympathise with them wholeheartedly as I miss pork pies terribly here in Taipei. 

The new kimchi shipment should give the Korean seamen garlic-fuelled fighting spirit for a month. The effect on the pirates however remains to be seen...

Pirate Chief: A-haaargh! Looks like we hit the jackpot, boys. Should be a hefty ransom this time.

Pirate 2: Wait a minute, I smell garlic. Does anyone else smell garlic?

(general agreement -- yes I smell garlic, definitely garlic etc.)

Pirate Chief: But there's no garlic in these waters... unless...

(Loud boat horn)

Korean ship (loadhailer): Surrender the ship! We have you surrounded!

 Pirate 2: It's the Korean navy!

Pirate Chief: Dammit! Always hijack downwind, what do I keep telling you? Rule number one! We should have smelled them coming...

Korean ship: I take it you are referring to our supplies of kimchi.

Pirate Chief: Oh, is that what that is?

Korean ship: Yes. It's our national delicacy. It's made of pickled vegetables.

Pirate Chief: Well I don't much care for it, I have to say!

Korean ship: We understand it is an acquired taste. Would you like to try some?

Pirate Chief: No thank you! If I want to acquire something I'll use my rocket launcher, right boys?

(general agreement -- Haha rocket launcher yes, that's how we acquire things! etc.)

Korean ship: Well perhaps we might not care for your local food either.

Pirate Chief: No, true, that's a fair point. Well, this has been an interesting cultural exchange. Time to  saddle up, boys!

Pirate 2: What? But what about our ransom?

Pirate Chief: No deal. This ship's just carrying a consignment of sauerkraut anyway.

Pirate 2: Urgh!

(general agreement -- uuurgh! Sauerkraut! Yuck! etc.)

Pirate Chief: We're out of here. Bye bye, Korean navy!

Korean ship: Wait! Just try a little bit! You might like it!

(To listen to this week's Instant Noodles online, go to http://english.rti.org.tw and click on media player icon next to Thursday in the top left of the page. When media player starts move playback bar to approx. 25 minutes in.)